Monday, November 26, 2007

Views on Life by Dexteran, Mage of the Altoids

This is a story. A story about life. (Hey, I didn't say that it would be a good story, now did I?) All right, back to me - my story that is. Now, the funny thing about my story is that to anybody who has no clue what I'm talking about, then this story will make no sense to you. But for all the rest of you losers who actually know this story, well, I guess you'll have a rough idea of what I'm trying to say.

Now, as I remembered, It started a long time ago in a galaxy far far oasis... NO! NO! NO! Wrong story! Now, back to my story. LIFE IS A SQUEAKY RUG. No wait. Change that. LIFE IS FULL OF JANITORS WHO...No. That's not right either. LIFE STARTED A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR OASIS WHERE LUKE AND LEIA WERE COOKING PEAS WITH A LIGHTSAVER. YES, YOU SEE THEY DO THAT EVERY SUNDAY BEFORE WE GO TO THE CHURCH OF HIGHER FORCE-DOM.

No wait! Why do you let me get distracted like that?! Now, back to my deeply emotional life speech. Or was it a light speech. Ok. It's light. That means I have to be done by now because this is getting too heavy. Bu bye.

Tnis isn't a story. A story about LIFE CEREAL. You see, I eat it every morning before I go make my Altoids. Life is a compromise you know. We all have to make them so little people like Kitt and Jewel and...

Oh. Kitt and Jewel say, "We're not little!" Now. Hey! Give back my spell book. Kitt, Kitt, No. NO! Ooops! I was writing that wasn't I? I'm very sorry. I was supposed to be saying that. Anyway, I'm continue my documentation after I get my book back.

Now, what was I talking about when I last left? Ah yes! Light bulbs. I like them because they are hot and they cook my pancakes every time I turn them on. They're different colors and they smell like burning Altoid juice.

I believe that LIGHTBULBS SAVE LIVES. IF I WAS A LIGHTBULB, I'D JOIN THE NAVY! Now the lightbulbs that I saw one day at Marin's house, now they were nifty. In fact they were swell and yummy. You see they were like dancing all around in candle holders and they gave off smoke and all different colors! But they weren't candles! Wow!

I think that LIGHTBULBS MELT IN YOUR MOUTH AND NO IN YOUR LAMP. THEY ARE YUMMY AND BETTER THAN FIRE BECAUSE THEY CAN KILL YOU. LIGHTBULBS ARE NOT A TOY. No. That's not what I think.

I STARTED OUT TALKING ABOUT LIFE! Why didn't you say something when I was rambling on about all that stuff up there! I hate you. I'm never writing to U again. U stink! I hate you more than I hate some one called Sen Lor Oooballoooo. He is so bad that my altoids curl just thinking about it!

LIFE IS A MOUNTAIN, MADE TO BE CONQUERED BY JOHNNY HANGTIME, A GREAT MOUNTAINEER WHO EATS SNOW OUT OF HIS CAMPSITE AND THEN SAYS "Easy come easy go" AFTER HE'S KILLED BY AN AVALANCH OF ONE GORDO TONTO SOFT AND MUSHY THING THAT'S KIND OF LIKE SILLY PUDDY BUT NOT REALLY. IT SMELLS LIKE FOAMY RUBBER, BUT THEN AGAIN IT'S AN OCTAGON BUT NOT IN THE PENTAGON.

There I floam again! Off way talking about my bologna. OH MY GOD! (My Frank to be specific) I forgot to tell you about my life story. Ok, here it is:

I was born to an altoid bush of western virginia in the early -875753667 century BC. My mommy was an evil reeple who wanted to take over the DARK SIDE and make it all darker and my daddy was a fireman. I went to school at Harvard for pre-school and then went on to study with the great Raistlin. He's my hero. (Along with Mr. Waldo, Jen the cow, and ADAM) After that, I created life, earth, and the heavens nd then I decided to take a break and drink with my best friend Egg-Yolkio, a boy made out of egg yolks. (Unfortunately, I was oophobic (afraid of eggs) at the time, so we had an odd bi-sexual kind of relationship.) (But that's another story altogether.) Now, after Egg-Yolkio got put into an egg salad sandwich, I ran away to Oz where the wizard made me wear all green. Puke green to be specific, greenb to be unspacific. After I wore plaid one day though, I was kicked out of the efficial "I LOve GReen on EVery DAy CLub" and Oz. So then I went to the Cai Tower and learned some more stuff with the Great Franko before flying over the world in a boat made of tinfoil, spanish moss, and yellow pudding. After I crashed into Mars and blew it up, I ran around with amnesia thinking I was Anne Landers. After that little mix up I had an altoid overdose with my friend Becky and we got married in her loft. That was when I lost my virginity. Anyway, when we woke up, I didn't know her and she didn't know me. But a year later I received a baby in the mail. I loved it and called it Imadeabooboo. Unfortunately it ate a map altoid and blew up in the next five seconds. After that I went into depression and I started going to sock puppet therapy with my new best friend, Bologna the Dinosaur that I made up myself. He advised me to be all yum-dum-doodle-dum-inside and so I was. I visited my mom, now the evil empurress of all the known universe and she advised me not to come back or else she would blow me up. But I stole her lightsaver anyway and I now use it to further my exploration of spider webs that look really cool in freaky houses. I then visited my daddy's grave. I was sad because he was my favorite daddy of all the 254 daddies I had had. Let's see. There was the mage, the knight, the executive, the salesman, and my worst favorite, the insurance guy. (He was always getting me to buy car insurance when I didn't have a car. Unless Fiz lets me borrow his Fizban Mobile but he won't cause the last time I drove it I flew into New York and made a couple hundred buildings fall into the red sea. After that I decided I needed some Altoids, so I rented a bush and made my first ones that great day in Spring, or was it winter. I can't remember.

To conclue my speech, I would just like to comment on O-At's hair today. It's very much like a bird's nest in that it has all of this straggley stuff and feathers and stuuuuuf. Enough of this madness. Now. Pizza is yummy with Altoids, pineapple Marshmallow.

"REEP." "REEP" "REEEEEEEPEPEEEEEEEPEEEEEEEPEEEEEEEEEP" says Marshmallow. Anyway, back to my conclusion.

I believe in freedom for real cows and imprisonment for the smoking cows that infect our community of pigs. I think that all jello should be under law as a drug and altoids should be made legal a ginn. I think falkes are yucky, I think shredded wheat is yucky. Hell, even those gordo tonto soft and mushy things are yucky. Life is the only cereal for me! Even though revenge is a dish best served cold, and I eat desert first, I believe that dinner should occur between the hours of four and % in the noon.

That's all I hve to say about that.

But if you want to learn more about life, consult my story about life. Wait! That's this story! Never mind. Don't consult squit because he'll give you mucho malo info. No entiendo con tortuga en el bano de la espana. El bano es sucio. Necsito un gordo tonto gato para limpiar el bano de la tortuga escuela. Consult turtle. He won't know what the hell you're saying and that makes it all much easier. Tell him Dexteran sent you. He'll remember that night we got together with Doug and Ken, Jay, and S Kennedy. Yeah!!!! That was the best time I had in my life when we died and were all reincarnated but then Frank recognized me and he turned us all back into ourselves but we still had that memory of the glorious night.....

I would like to tell you that you are my best pals in the u od all u-i-ness. Don't be oophobic because life is just an altoid, it makes you hyper, then sad, then you realized after you're done that it was fun, you're reincarnated and you can experience it all over again. Remember that I've been trying to tell you all along, but would you listen? No!

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